Words on a Calender

Kris and I were sitting in church yesterday, and I found myself wondering why the songs we sang, which were deeply moving, did not bring me to tears.  It seems to happen at random, and some days I feel like it is happening less and less.  A slight worry sinks in, and I find myself thinking, "Am I somehow farther from God and just not as open to His hand on my heart as I have been throughout this last year?"  Then I hear a still small voice tell me that the line of thinking I was wandering down was likley from the enemy.  So, I had to just put that back in God's hand, and trust Him to move my heart, one that He has made tender and responsive, when HE wants to.  Not when I THINK it should be moved.  It isn't something I can force, but I just had this moment where I began to doubt the state of my heart.  It didn't last, and I put it back into the gentle, loving hands of my Father.

So I was surprised to find myself weeping in the middle of the sermon.  It was a comparison between our race of faith with the Super Bowl, of all things (which I will not go into at this time for the sake of not being negative speaking on my personal pet peeves).  But it wasn't even the sermon that tore at me.  I was looking at my phone and happened to see a date on the calendar.

February 19th.

Kris and I use and share Google Calendar.  I can see his upcoming events, meetings, etc...and he can likewise see mine.

What I saw written on February 19th is what left me feeling overcome with many different emotions, and struggling to sob as quietly as I could, while still allowing myself to feel everything that was racing through me.

You see, what I saw on the calendar for February 19th was this:

"Anniversary - Jamie came home."

I thought about it, and realized that I had not written that.  I looked to Kris, nudged him (as he was paying more attention to the sermon than I was apparently), and said, "Did you put that on there?"

His reply moved me deeply.  He said simply, "I added that a year ago. "

I lost it then, and tears and emotions overwhelmed me and I put my head against his shoulder and cried.  I kept looking at the phone, at his words, written almost a year ago.  And I thought about my wandering in the darkness, and the joy of coming home; the journey through counseling and restoration of our marriage, and all of the blessings God has showered down upon us since I came home on February 19th, 2012.  My husband had taken the time, and it was so important to him personally, to add that special day to our Google calendar.  It meant so much to me and filled me with sorrow over my sin, joy over all the God has done, and an overwhelming love for my Hosea who waited his Gomer, and ultimately chose to claim God's victory in his own life and fight for our marriage.

And that then brought to mind a song that Kris and I listened to together, early in our healing process.  I have always loved Tenth Avenue North.  No doubt, if you have been reading this journey as I write through it, you've heard several songs by that same band.  But this song is so different than many of their other songs.

And it really describes what Kris and I went through in the early days of the light being shone into the darkness of my heart and uncovering my sin.  It detailed out the journey we went through, as I little by little told Kris the truth of the deception I had lived through for too long.

Ultimately, God is so exceedingly good, and I cannot wait to hit February 19th and celebrate that homecoming with my best friend, my Hosea, the love of my life, and the man I will never give up on.

I called you up, you were in bed, could barely make out the words that you said
But you wanted to see me instead, so I got dressed
So I stepped out into the snow, and walked for a mile or so
Felt the rush of blood come from the cold, within my chest

Well, you finally came to the door, and we talked for an hour or more
Until I asked if you would stay up until four, and you said that's fine
But you said "There's something I have to say, and I can't because I'm just so afraid"
And so I held you as you started to shake, that night

Oh, my dear, I will wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until this guilt begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight

You slowly lifted your head from your hands
You said "I just don't think that you'll understand
You'll never look at me that way again
If you knew what I did"

And so your tears fell and melted the snow
You told me secrets nobody had known
But I never loved you more, even though
Now I knew what you did

Oh, my dear, I will wait for you Grace tonight will pull us through
Oh, my dear, I will wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until this guilt begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight

Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until this guilt begins to crack
And the weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight
I'll keep you in my arms tonight